The holidays always seem to come upon us like a cat trying to do a jump scare. They hide, sometimes in plain sight, then they use all their force to knock into us, usually ending with screaming, and sometimes crying. Oh yes, the holidays. For those of us with neuro divergent brains, holidays cause so much fret and worry, and many of us love when they are over. There are ALWAYS highlights, of course, but those can be far and few between, and some of us prefer the dark solitude of a closet.

I was never into decorating for the holidays. I would decorate the tree with MY ornaments that I decorated with EVERY SINGLE YEAR. I would put out MY Nativity set, EVERY…SINGLE…YEAR. Those were routines for me. My brain was cool with those. Things that others usually did, such as hang Christmas lights and wreaths, bake cookies and make extravagant holiday dinners…yea…no thank you. For years I never understood my opposition to trying new things at the holidays, but my diagnosis of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome blessed me with understanding. Give me ROUTINE, I am good. Throw in lights and Santas with music, dancing and bells that jingle, and you will come face to face with dysregulated Rebecca. This Rebecca presents As one that has a short temper and wants what she wants when she wants it. As a child I think I masked it well, except you would not see me joyfully asking to help my mom cook Christmas Dinner, or asking my dad to put the lights up outside. If I was asked to help, I would. I would do it quietly, and then fall asleep early, because man oh man my brain had too much. I find myself able to articulate now to others why I don’t cook the big meal on Christmas or Christmas Eve (not to mention my cooking skills are novice at best), and why I don’t partake in decorating the house for Santa and his reindeer. It is just too much Hoopla. Making meals has too many directions and you have to multitask, and can someone PLEASE TELL ME how you make each dish ready to consume at the same time? I will bow out, thank you. I will gladly eat the meal though, and do the dishes. Dishes are routine for me, and I love the hot water running over my hands.

Knowing one’s limitations in high stress and highly stimulated environments is one of the keys to keeping their cool. This is why those who are not self aware of their limitations during the holidays struggle to keep calm. I lose my temper and become dysregulated at times even if I know my limitations. Why? It is because I am a people pleaser, and I think to myself, “I can handle this just fine. I don’t want to let others down.” Unfortunately, I may keep it together for most of the time, but then fall apart once I am home in my safe place. Then my family looks at me as I retreat to my room and close the door, or go into my son’s closet where the walls are thick and I feel surrounded by silence. All the things can happen. Or none of them can happen. Our brains surprise us every single moment, don’t they?

I have compiled a few strategies for families familiar with neurodivergent brains around the holidays:

1. Pajamas. Comfy clothes. Let the children wear them. I know some families have their children get dressed nicely in scratchy jeans or khakis and a crisp button down shirt where the tag itches in the exact spot you can’t seem to find. Or in what I used to call Polly Flinder Dresses: the dresses that are crinkly and poofy and scratchy to the touch. They feel like those 3D photos when you touch them. I know these clothes look beautiful, and Gap Kids will want your children in their next photo shoot. Or will they? The children will start to melt down. Their smiles will become frowns and faces of anger. Tears will spring from their eyes, as the clothes textures consume them. Not to mention the routine of wearing comfy clothes was changed. So, let them be comfy, I promise you will thank me
2. Let them Eat Cake: Holiday food tables are overwhelming. You have all different types of food, all different smells smashing into one another, creating yet other, interesting smells. The foods are then put on 1 plate which is not big enough to make sure no foods touch each other. Some of us neuro divergent people like to eat the same thing every single day. So, why change it? You all can grab your Roast Beast and Figgy Pudding off the long tables where you have to squeeze by or crawl under to get to the other side. Let us have our normal foods.
3. Taking a Stim Break: For anybody who enjoys Chevy Chase and National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation can visualize the scene that immediately pops into my head when I think OVERSTIMULATED. The extended family all comes to the house…at ONCE. There is the sound of the doorbell multiple times, the clicking of the door as it opens, all the different voices holding ten different conversations with the same three people, the slobbery, wet kisses from the aunts, and YES, the smell of a fart committed by 102 year old Uncle Lou. All of these lovely noises and acts that stimulate every sense of our body often make us want to jump out of our skin, and into a weighted blanket in a quiet closet with a heavy door with a deadbolt. Make sure those who need stim breaks have a safe space to go. If you are out and about at a relative or friend’s house, scope out a place. Dysregulation is horrible for everyone involved.
4. Presents for Days! Ok, maybe not days, but lots of presents all at once can trigger dysregulation. So, maybe opens a couple the night before, and a couple the day after. Maybe do them all in one day, but throughout the day.
5. Make it an early night. Even those that are always on top of keeping dysregulation to a minimum, their brains are still working 5 times as hard as other brains. We still mask. Come on, we all do it. Masking is exhaustsing. We don’t even know we do it sometimes, but it is part of our brains. So, we are exhausted by 5 or 6 PM. We are ready for bed. Ready for quiet.